So that's all good.
What's not, is me and my moping. I've done major revisions many, many times before and it's always been a case of 'deep breath, then leap in and get it done.' But not this time, and part of my mope was wondering why. Why didn't I just do the job? Why mope at all? It's not like I disagreed with any of the comments - everyone was totally spot on, especially for the big stuff - and I know I'm not afraid of the work. I've also scrapped most of a book before and written fresh from scratch. While there are a several specific parts of M that need rewritten, mostly it's just tweaks to characters and cranking up the tension. A little change here, new scene there, nothing for pages, then a flurry of line edits. Tedious and extensive, yes. Massive overhaul... Not so much.
So why mope? Why feel frustrated and out of sorts?
I'm still not sure, but I think that maybe my mind had convinced itself that, for once, I wrote a pretty clean first draft. Or that I should have enough skill and practice to not have to rip a whole book apart again just to make it right. Or that I ought to be able to tell by now what works in a story and what's over-blown hyperbole (or flat, floppy crap) without it being pointed out to me. And it's certainly not fair - or right - to expect my writing friends to clean up my messes. I should not need this much hand holding, baby sitting, and attention. It's just a freaking book! Lots of people write them with no help at all!
I keep telling myself that I've had a really long hiatus and I'm out of practice, that first drafts always suck, that just because I can write doesn't mean that I am immune to my own blind spots or quirks.
Then I feel guilty bad that my pre-readers had to endure such a mess (that I had thought was pretty decent, shows what I know, eh?). That I've been wasting everyone's time. That I should do better, must be better, must do the dang job and do it right for a change or just go back to weeping over my quilts.
I intend to sell this book and, with luck, others. If I can't find a better, happier, cleaner way to compose, this is going to be a hard road for me. My brain's already broken once, I can't let it happen again.
I intend to sell this book and, with luck, others. If I can't find a better, happier, cleaner way to compose, this is going to be a hard road for me. My brain's already broken once, I can't let it happen again.
6 comments:
I've only skimmed what you've written. You feel what you feel, and I'm not going to say you're wrong to feel it. I will say that as a pre-reader, I didn't feel as if I was reading a mess. I love this story and am looking forward to being able to buy it.
I'll come back with a more thoughtful response later, but I did not read a "mess."
Tammy, don't be too hard on yourself. You're back in the saddle again, and as one of your readers, I'm grateful. I accepted that you might not write again, but I'm happy you're back at it. Having said that, writing is a hard job. It's not neat or methodical. Some days I think it should be on an episode of Dirty Jobs! My question to you is, if you can find a cleaner way to compose, will it interfere with the creativity? Will the internal editor get in the way? I pretty much hate my WIP right now, but I know if I go back to fix what needs fixing, I won't finish it, so I'm gutting it out. If you can come up with a cleaner way and still finish the book, write a book about it for the rest of us!
You might be being a bit hard on yourself. I suspect the ability to write a clean first draft is extremely rare and maybe not quite as common as some writers would have us believe. Or, maybe there's just a few who are gifted that way -- and I'm envious as all get out of them. But remember how extremely rare it is.
There's another thing to consider here, and it may or may not be valid, but you're writing in a completely different genre and timeframe from Dubric. That's going to be tough to get down smoothly the first time.
I'm with Wendy, if you find that smooth way to compose first drafts, definitely enlighten the rest of us. You'll be a multimillionaire, and you can donate it all to your favorite charities.
As for now, keep plugging along and give yourself a break. You can do this, and you can do it well.
Is it possible that you need a different group of pre-readers? For instance, I read dozens of mystery, science fiction, fantasy, humor, and thriller books a year. And I do mean dozens. I feel confident of my ability to deliver a good and meaningful critique of those genres. However, if you ask me to judge a romance or chick lit or anything outside my knowledge base, I doubt I could give good advice.
I also would like to mention that perfect is the enemy of productivity. We can strive as best we can for perfection, but we will never reach it. We can't let our imperfections keep us from trying. If I did, I wouldn't get out of bed each day. (And yes, sometimes it hard for me to do so.)
I guess I'm saying that I've read your blog and one of your fantasy books and doubt you could write a terrible book. It may not be what you saw in your mind -- or maybe it was and if it was, then to heck with your pre-readers -- but you have a way with words that is uniquely your own.
Anyway, we're all in this together, and I'm rootin' for ya!
Thank you, everyone. I dunno what's wrong with me. I usually look at revisions as a challenge, a puzzle to figure out. I just need to stop being so hard on myself. {{huggs}}
Hugs, Tammy.
I don't like it when my response to something is something I hadn't expected. It's confusing, to say the least. {{{hugs}}}
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