Turning point?

Life is getting back to normal here. I'm more functional than I was last week--getting housework done, Christmas shopping started, holiday plans firmed up. I helped decorate the sanctuary at church on Saturday and that was fun. I got my decorating fix since I'm not decorating at home this year. All my decorations are downstate, and I don't have room for a full sized tree. I just can't bring myself to get a bunch of stuff I'm going to have to store the rest of the year when storage space is at a premium, and frankly, I'm not in full-blown Christmas mode this year. I'm treasuring the small moments when they come, but I can't be bothered to sustain it minute to minute. I bought a little (2' maybe) tree made of silver Christmas balls and a wreath for the front door. Mom gave me a snowman in a kilt.

Everything is different this year. I likely won't see my kids on Christmas. I think we're going to drive downstate the day after. I'm still trying to coordinate with Vicky's schedule. I have to go down regardless of what they're doing to get my rendezvous gear. I'm going to FL this year. I blew it off last year because of the timing of the move and kicked myself the rest of the winter. Christmas is a logical time to do that.

I've felt a kind of restlessness since we moved here and I haven't been able to figure out what it is. I think I need to start some kind of a career, something that pays, but I don't know what. I've never had a career. Military wives don't have them unless they're nurses or teachers. The only time I've felt like I was doing something productive in the last three years (maybe longer) was when we were working on Blackbirds. For that brief time, I had a purpose. I was needed by someone other than Eric. I want that again, but I want to get paid. Maybe, if I had a paying job, we wouldn't be so stressed while we wait for Eric's job situation to get sorted out. Maybe, if I made enough money, he could walk away from contract work and start his own business. If I'm honest with myself, even if I got a book contract today, it wouldn't make enough to support us.

The year is winding down. The new year will be on us before we know it. I want to do something to contribute financially that will make a difference to society. I just don't know what, and if I did, I wouldn't know where to start. It's eating at me and I can't identify it. Is this my mid-life crisis?