The power just went out. It's quiet except for the rain on the Windows, the hum of traffic on the street near our house, and the ringing in my ears. Tinnitus is loud when the white noise of life stops.
I had to fire someone by myself yesterday. He's the second person fired from our crew. The first was fired by my district manager and I sat in. He saw it coming so it wasn't that hard. Yesterday was the opposite. He didn't see it coming and thought it was completely unjustified. He's so wrapped up in righteous indignation that he's can't see he was fired because he's not trustworthy, or that no one wants to work with him because he talks incessantly. Unless he's mad at you. Then he gives you the cold shoulder. I feel like I failed him but I couldn't see any way to help him at this point. He's not ready. Maybe I helped him grow up a little, but right now I don't even want to see if I made an impact. It would mean seeing him again.
I wanted to help him the way I do everyone on the crew. They're all young, and I'm not. I try to help them grow up, become better people, rejoice with them when they move on to better jobs. It's like parenting, except I don't have to deal with people sulking on the couch. I get the sullenness for a few hours tops, and then one of us clocks out. Usually, it's blown over by the next time we work together.
When I took this job, I realized it was my mission to teach young people how to have a job. Real Life 101. That's what has kept me going for the last year, stopped me from quitting the numerous times I've wanted to. This is the first time I feel like I've screwed up. I wonder if I did more damage by hiring him in the first place. Have I made him more bitter? Am I going to see him on the news, another disenfranchised young man who finally blew and shot everyone in his work place or murdered his family? And if I do, will I bear some culpability?
Over the years, I've found that when I feel like I'm in a place because I have a job to do beyond the scope of my duties, I'm the one who's being worked on. This job is no different. I'm wiser than I was and can see the changes more easily, maybe because I don't hide from myself anymore. I can sort of see the process in action now, guess at what the outcome might be. Most days, I just hope I can hurry up and learn what I'm supposed to from this job so I can stop the commute.
4 comments:
The first time is the worst. That doesn't necessarily mean subsequent times will be easier, but, in general, it may be.
Your observation about you being where you need to be because you need to learn something is right on. I'm not sure what you're supposed to be learning, but I'm certain there's something in it for you.
I agree with Jean. {{hugs}}
I had to fire someone once. My assistant in the art room print shop got into a disagreement with another department manager (who used her as a warm-body to stuff packaging occasionally) and he insisted I fire her for insubordination because she refused to come in over the weekend to do extra work for him. I declined to fire her, so he took his grumbling up the ladder until the owner of the company insisted I had to let her go. So. I sat Jan down and explained the situation. She said it was the nicest firing she'd ever received (I truly loved working with her, and she with me) and said not to worry, we'll just say she's quitting and save everyone a bunch of headaches. So I told the folks downstairs she was quitting, walked her to the door, remained silent while she told the other manager to F himself (he really was a sexist jerk), then we hugged and she left.
She was so awesome. I quit the job a few weeks later due to the overwhelming toxicity.
Anyway, you did what you had to do Wendy, and it's never pleasant. You didn't fail, he just wasn't ready to learn what you were there to teach him, and you can't make someone grow up.
{{hugs}}
Tammy, that's more or less how the first one went. The kid was a walking security breach (he'd lost 2, yes 2, shop keys) and knew he wasn't going to get past it. He was cool about it. #2 was not.
Thankfully, I have today off, and it's devoted to light housework and self care. I'm singing in church on Sunday and we have rehearsal tonight. That usually improves my mood no matter how I'm feeling.
Tomorrow I'm closing with one of my favorite coworkers who, by the way, was also working yesterday afternoon. In my head, I know it's going to be all right. I think maybe the lesson I'm supposed to get from this is I can't save people, I can only give them the tools I think they need to live an amazing life. I've been hearing Pat Benatar singing Harden My Heart in my head all day. :)
A friend of mine worked about 10 years for a hospital's HR department. He suddenly quit. He had lots of reasons, but the one that applies here is that he told me that he had stopped caring when he fired a person. Didn't matter if they needed the job or had family. He just fired them. And never gave it another thought.
One day, at Wal-Mart he saw a woman he had fired, and it was obvious things had gone badly for her. He could have helped her back at her firing. Could even had tried to work things out for her, but he hadn't.
He didn't want to be that person.
So I think it's supposed to be hard. And will remain so for anyone who has the compassionate nature that you do. That's one of things that comes with being a good person. You care even for the ones who deserve firing.
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