Trying not to be a mess

Hey.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel the weepies nibbling at my edges and there's no good reason for it. We're all fine.  Laura found a part time job - she starts Tuesday! - and interviewed for a couple more jobs, plus she's dropping off an ap for a full time one tomorrow morning. That's all excellent. Bill's been getting a *little* overtime, just enough to pad the check a smidge, not enough to wear him out. Little Miss is getting over a misc fever/infection thing that's going around the kidlets, but other than mostly sleeping and whining for a couple of days, she's back to her normal energetic and chatty self. Pets are all fine. Got plenty of groceries. I lost 3.2 lbs last week (that's a 43.2 lb loss so far, only 6.8 until I get my 50b charm!) And even the querying stuff is going all right.

Maybe it's because I'm not sleeping? I dunno. I'm in bed 5-8 hours a night, but I feel like I spend most of it tossing and turning. I'm eating okay (been REALLY HONGRY!!! though) and walking 2 miles or more a day. I just don't know. But, maaan, I really want to CRY!

And, yes, I am taking my Vitamin D. I never, ever miss my Vit D.

Tidied up my sewing space this evening and sorted out some fabric to start a table runner for my friend Trina, but my heart isn't in it. I read what I have for the next Dubric novel (about 25k) and found it 'meh' at best. I know what happens next in both main storylines, but really don't give enough of a crap to write it out. I had another request for a full for SPORE, and a request for a partial for Morgan, plus five very, very nice declinations. So nice I want to send thank you notes. But that's not appropriate, I guess. I have about 4 loads of laundry to fold and put away, but I have zippo ambition to do it. Probably ought to clean the kitchen, especially the under side of the microwave, it's kinda greasy/sticky, but again, zippo ambition.

My doc put me on progestin to help control some of the PITA preimenopause symptoms I'd been having, and I'm not as itchy (definite YAY for that!), but it's the only thing I can think of that'd impact my mood so strongly. I can't think/focus, can't sleep, and all I want to do is either sit and do mindless stuff (like play stupid FB games that I don't even like) or eat or cry. And I'm trying not to eat or cry. So I sit and waste time and energy on mindless crap.

Gah!

I take the last pill in this month's series tonight (might just go ahead and skip the dang thing) and I'll see her again in 2 weeks. Maybe things need adjusted? Maybe I should just deal with the OMG ITCHINESS and insomnia (itchiness better, insomnia NOT, and my libido has taken a definite dive - sorry, Stephen, that was surely TMI, but GAH!!!). If my problem isn't the hormone pills I don't know what I'm gonna do. Maybe it's my age. Maybe I'm not getting enough protein. Maybe it's just the world's cracking apart with hatred and crushing the weak and helpless while greed and power run amok without end and I can't stop worrying about it. I dunno.

I can't go on like this, though. And it's not a black dog, I've had the black dog, this is not the same at all. I'm not pulling anything IN, not running endless tapes of self loathing through my head, not blaming myself for anything, nothing like that. This is just endless, quivering SORROW. And it really sucks.

I hope you all have a good, safe, happy week.  {{hugs}}