Coming in even later, but here I am. Beat up emotionally and creatively, but still standing.
Murder by the Mile is kicking my butt in ways I never imagined a book could do. I've often thought of chucking it and writing completely and moving on to something else -- maybe painting. I've always wanted to try painting even though I can't draw a straight line. But this book ... in places ... it's the best writing I've ever done. It's closer than anything I've ever written to realizing what I saw in my head. So I keep slogging on, driving myself through the emotional mud, telling myself each and every freaking day that I don't have to finish the book, don't have to worry about the next chapter or the next page ... all I have to do is to write one page. Just one page a day. Just get 500 or so words on paper. Edit those words. Read them aloud. Search for signs of where the story's going to go next. Try to figure out how to get there.
I try not to think this -- but sometimes I think this book is the make-or-break on my dream. If I can't write this well, if I can't finish it, then it's time to give up. Find another dream. Or not. Just live my life day to day. Find an empty job and work until I die or retire. After all, I worked 18 years at a job that meant only a paycheck. I can do it again.
Just to make my cake poison-sweet, the black dog sits on my shoulder almost daily, sometimes hourly. Everything is a struggle. Getting out of bed, getting dressed, taking my meds ... it's hard these days. I've been through this before. It will get better. The doctor will give me the right pill. I'll wake up one day, and the weight will lessen. The moon and the stars will align. Who knows, but it will get better. That's how it goes.
Anyway, that's what's happening my life these days. Hope things are going well for you.
Last week
- Did chores.
- Received proof of the newest anthology for the writing group. Needs some minor changes, but overall, it looks good.
- Worked on the book.
- Conducted writers group meeting Saturday.
- Swam in my pool twice. The water is almost too warm.
- Watched the birds on my front porch.
This week
- Chores
- Revise cover and enter corrections on anthology.
- Work on MBTM.
- Swim three or four times.
- Watch the birds.
- Eat more salads and veggies.
Have a good week.
7 comments:
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I wish I could help. How's your sleep been lately?
Rather crappy. I have some pills for that, but they're not really helping. All part of the black dog thing -- bad sleep feeds it and it feeds bad sleep -- sort of a Stephen King thing going on there.
I think your struggles with MBTM are indicative of a number of things -- first, that you're on the brink of a breakthrough in your writing, and second that you sense it, and feel the pressure to make it happen. I'm sooooo looking forward to reading this one. I know others are too. Keep with it. It will come. Try not to think about the breakthrough and the pressure and just keep pushing forward to bring the book together.
I'm also looking forward to the anthology. I thoroughly enjoyed last years and plan to purchase this one as well.
Thanks for the encouraging words, Jean. I hope it's a breakthrough. Or at least not something I have to hide from people and break into the houses of those who buy it so that I can burn it -- and maybe steal cash and bearer bonds since I'm already in their house anyway.
The anthology is mostly better this year. There's been a slow and steady improvement in most of the group's writings. There's still a couple -- and they are soooo easy to spot -- who haven't grown and even have regressed a bit, but overall, the quality is better.
Last night I asked Ted Dekker and Tosca Lee if they had advice for a writer who wants to write out-of-the-ordinary Christian fiction. Ted said, "Write what you write. Write it like no one's going to read it." In a perverse way, it makes sense. The first draft is always for the writer anyway, and by the time we end up killing our darlings (as Stephen King says), it's different by the time it gets into the reader's hands.
I agree with Jean and Wendy. Keep writing, and write what YOU want to, regardless of how it's potentially labeled.
If we can't be ourselves as we write, why write at all?
{{hugs}} on all the rest. I wish I could do more to help.
{{{HUGS}}}
Thank you, Tammy. Thanks to all of you. I appreciate your support. You're all awesome. :)
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