Stress, worry, and the blues

I am doing better today. I think it's because yesterday, in the midst of feeling like a mess, I made time for ME. I've also tried to do some thinking on various things, starting with why and how I lost the spark I had a year ago.

May of last year:

• I was at my lowest weight since high school, maybe even *during* high school. 
• I was walking and exercising daily (sometimes several times a day) in training for a 5k.
• I was writing daily.
• I was (generally) upbeat and focused.
• I had a Career Plan
• My house was tidy. Well, as tidy as a house can be with a 18 mo old. ;)
• Meals were planned, food was stocked, and our greatest grocery expense was fresh stuff.
• Bill and I were going on regular 'dates'.
• So forth, and so on.

But, at the end of May and early June of last year:

• The Millionaire Maker Agent and I parted ways, sending me back to querying after spending 9 months waiting on him and his circular changes to SPORE
• Money became tight
• Perimenopause really kicked in, hormonally speaking
• My sewing machine started acting up
• Laura found stable employment
• I got depressed, stressed, and worried, writing dried up, weight started to climb, etc.

As I pondered the how and why and whatnot of the events, I realized a couple of things. First and foremost, I lost Tammy Time, mostly due to being the main parent on deck with LittleMiss. I'm not blaming her - or Laura - for this, just noting that I wasn't aware of the change when it happened.

The other issue was the kicked-in-the-gut sensation from having to start back at the beginning again in trying to sell SPORE. I'd, mostly, had forward movement before with my writing, slow perhaps, or a few steps to a side, but diligent, methodical progress when I worked it. What these two life events did (or rather my reaction to them, to be honest) was to withdraw, as I always do being an avoidant kind of gal. I cut back on exercising, let my sewing machine (my normal mode of personal 'therapy') sit idle and broken, I became a casual tracker and exerciser, and pretty much stopped writing completely, except for query letters which, let's face it, are customized form letters. In short, I stopped making time for ME, stopped making ME any sort of priority and consistently put ME last. Everyone and everything else in my life was more important. I was at the bottom of the stack and didn't matter, not even to myself.

Last week I had a very, very bad reaction to a medication, or perhaps it was a severe hormonal flux. Whatever it was, it was terrifying and awful. Scared me. Scared me bad. In part, because I had ZERO CONTROL over what I was doing/thinking/feeling, no matter how I tried to lock it down, but also because while everyone I reached for wanted to help me, no one really listened to me. After the mess faded away, I realized that's because I wasn't really speaking for myself anymore. I was doing all those things I was supposed to do, acting and speaking and sometimes thinking how I was supposed to act and speak and think because I believed it was expected of me. I believed it was what everyone else wanted, that my truth didn't matter. Ultimately, tho, it wasn't anyone else's fault or decision or insistence, it was mine and mine alone. I am surrounded by a lot of really supportive people and I did all of this to myself. Because, somehow, I convinced myself that I didn't matter.

I had a bit of a rant yesterday as I worked through some of these realizations. I still feel really bombarded, but I do know it's - mostly - myself, not all the outside crap I want to blame it on.

Yesterday, after Laura got home from work, I told her straight up I'm off duty. I have my own stuff I need to do now. And I did it. Sure, it was mostly housework, but I also worked on book notes and just sat and had a quiet glass of Crystal Lite. After Bill got home, I told him I was gonna screw off online then write after everyone else went to bed. I haven't really done that in a long, long time. And I did. I roughly outlined the plot-point placement of major events for STAIN OF CORRUPTION and decided how best to make it all work. Took me until about 1 am, but it's done, and I'm thankful.

Today I've decided I don't want to mess with potty training. LittleMiss goes to her dad's tomorrow, I'd rather just enjoy her and let her play today. So we've done that. I've made a few more book notes, read a ton of stuff on assorted subjects online, offered FB friendship to quite a few fans, and I've had music playing all day.

It's been great. Tomorrow, I sew and write. That's it.

Tomorrow is Tammy Day. And it's about time. {{hugs}}