Sometimes I think I might be going crazy. And not that happy, zany, upbeat, fun crazy, but that bleak, solemn, downbeat, dragging crazy. In the middle of the night when my heart wakes me up and my chest pounds, I find myself wondering how much more I can take -- which is downright silly because I've taken much worse than this and survived. That's the advantage of having horrific things in your past; you know what you can survive. I told a friend this several years ago, and I still think it's true: the worse thing can be knowing that what you're going through won't kill you and you will have to go on after it's over.
Still, it's been better this week. Not much better, but better. Had a couple bad nights, but a few nights were good. Sleep helps. And all my Christmas shopping is done. A great relief that. Amazon, Staples, RadioShack, WalMart, and the Dollar Tree. Only Amazon was online. WalMart shopping was done by my roomie. I did the other shopping myself, which I was rather proud of. Exhausted me, but I got it done.
I've enjoyed the Christmas cards I've received. Not a huge haul of them, but one or two almost every day. Makes me look forward to the mail. And the Christmas sweets. I try to limit myself, but I do take a bite or two of each new item presented. Peppermint coated pretzels, gingerbread pretzels, cherry coated chocolate morsels, Harry & David fruitcake ... All good. Can't have much of any of them, but a bite or two to savor is a good way to end a meal.
I'm trying ... no, I'm going to approach the coming year with some hope. After all, no more heart attacks. I have a warm house. I'm still up on my bills. I sold a few books. I have family and friends. Yes, I didn't make many of my goals for last year -- in fact, I'm not going to look back; it's too damning -- but I did a few things right. A few laughs. A few good times. A few glorious sunrises and sunsets. Still alive.
For this Christmas, I think the the best gift I can give myself: the permission to remember the good things from this year and to let the bad things fade away. Going to end this post with my song for 2014. Listen to it. It's really quite grand.
2 comments:
I love the redecoration for the site. Let's keep doing this periodically (this design looks awesomely lovely on my Retina MacBook).
I think you plan to savor the good things and look to the future is a sound one.
I'm sure you count your blessings about your roomie. He sounds wonderful (I know I've met him once, and he seemed like a great guy then, too). Merry Christmas to him, too.
Am I the only one who has to keep catching myself from clicking the "sign out" button instead of the "Publish" button by accident? Drives me bonkers. I actually clicked it once, and that really irritated me!
What a great song! Thanks for sharing.
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