Could you make "was waiting" into something less passive: "waited for me on the dock" or "waited for me by the shore," although you could do better, of course. Also, did they take both the bundle and the cloak from the narrator four months earlier or just the cloak?
The opening interests me and creates questions that I want answered: Who is Swims Like The Otter? What is in the bundle? Why did "they" take the cloak and/or bundle? Who are they? Why is the narrator being led into the woods? And who is our narrator?
So ... yes ... other than the first passive sentence, I think it works well.
I concur with Stephen. I think if you removed "was waiting. He" and went from there, you'd have a more active opening.
The comma before "and led me into the woods" doesn't preclude an independent clause and isn't setting off the last item in a list, so I'd recommend the following (unless it changes your meaning): Swims Like The Otter handed me a bundle, the cloak they had taken from me four months earlier, and led me into the woods.
It's fine, it wasn't urgent. She's critting the first 15 pages and synopsis, and I have until the end of August to get it to her. It might take me that long to do the synopsis and polish it!
Thanks! I'll want very picky because I know you can be picky and nice at the same time. Maybe a splash of pedantic, but not too much.
Am I the only one who thinks of pirates when I see/hear the word pedantic? I know it's the Pirates of Penzance. Penzance, pedantic, it's pretty close. I may have to read the Cliff's Notes and make a parody. Or maybe that's a job for Stephen.
I always get *someone* upset when I say this, but the BIGGEST improvement to my writing came when I started rooting out state of being verbs. I am RUTHLESS with the boogers. Now I know that they're necessary - 'had' for example, is required for Past Perfect Tense - but they're also slippery, safe, wimpy, add distance between the narrative and reader, and slow action. So, in an effort to remove passivity and increase action, beware the following words:
is, are, was, were, am, be, been, being, may, must, might, have, has, had, do, does, did, can, will, shall, should, would, could
I think that's all of them. If I remember more, I'll list them. :)
Write the synopsis to best showcase the story that you're telling. If you already know what kinks you need to work out, then have them worked out in the synopsis. to the best of my knowledge, synopses are tools to show the editor/agent that you can structure a story with a beginning, middle and end. Does it move? Does it make logical sense? Are the characters driving or are the circumstances? Do the conflicts compound? Is there a resolution?
In your synopsis, focus on the STORY. And try to relax and have fun with it. Synopses are HARD and awful to write, but in the end they're just a tool.
14 comments:
Could you make "was waiting" into something less passive: "waited for me on the dock" or "waited for me by the shore," although you could do better, of course. Also, did they take both the bundle and the cloak from the narrator four months earlier or just the cloak?
The opening interests me and creates questions that I want answered: Who is Swims Like The Otter? What is in the bundle? Why did "they" take the cloak and/or bundle? Who are they? Why is the narrator being led into the woods? And who is our narrator?
So ... yes ... other than the first passive sentence, I think it works well.
I concur with Stephen. I think if you removed "was waiting. He" and went from there, you'd have a more active opening.
The comma before "and led me into the woods" doesn't preclude an independent clause and isn't setting off the last item in a list, so I'd recommend the following (unless it changes your meaning): Swims Like The Otter handed me a bundle, the cloak they had taken from me four months earlier, and led me into the woods.
And Swims Like The Otter is a wonderful name, and I'm wondering what happened four months earlier that they had to take the cloak.
Awesome. Yeah, that's better. Thanks!
I may be hitting y'all up to look at the piece I'm having critted at the conference.
I'm late to the party, but Stephen is right. Are they critting the whole story, or just the opening?
It's fine, it wasn't urgent. She's critting the first 15 pages and synopsis, and I have until the end of August to get it to her. It might take me that long to do the synopsis and polish it!
I'd be happy to digitally red-pen it for you, if you want. Just let me know how pedantic and picky you'd want me to be.
Thanks! I'll want very picky because I know you can be picky and nice at the same time. Maybe a splash of pedantic, but not too much.
Am I the only one who thinks of pirates when I see/hear the word pedantic? I know it's the Pirates of Penzance. Penzance, pedantic, it's pretty close. I may have to read the Cliff's Notes and make a parody. Or maybe that's a job for Stephen.
I always get *someone* upset when I say this, but the BIGGEST improvement to my writing came when I started rooting out state of being verbs. I am RUTHLESS with the boogers. Now I know that they're necessary - 'had' for example, is required for Past Perfect Tense - but they're also slippery, safe, wimpy, add distance between the narrative and reader, and slow action. So, in an effort to remove passivity and increase action, beware the following words:
is, are, was, were, am, be, been, being, may, must, might, have, has, had, do, does, did, can, will, shall, should, would, could
I think that's all of them. If I remember more, I'll list them. :)
You won't hear any complaints from me on that one, Tammy.
Wendy, when you're ready for the electronic red pen, I'll do the best I can for you.
Thanks, y'all, I appreciate that.
One other question: Do I write the synopsis based on what I have, or do I edit and get the worst of the kinks worked out and then write the synopsis?
Write the synopsis to best showcase the story that you're telling. If you already know what kinks you need to work out, then have them worked out in the synopsis. to the best of my knowledge, synopses are tools to show the editor/agent that you can structure a story with a beginning, middle and end. Does it move? Does it make logical sense? Are the characters driving or are the circumstances? Do the conflicts compound? Is there a resolution?
In your synopsis, focus on the STORY. And try to relax and have fun with it. Synopses are HARD and awful to write, but in the end they're just a tool.
{{huggs}}
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